What’s killing me lately is expectation.
As this blog got more visitors, I unconsciously increase my writing standard. I expect to write more that 23 writings last month, but ended up wrote only 18 writings. So this month I promised myself to write more and better, but until today, I only posted 2 writings.
There are 20-something drafts and lots of ideas to be written, but it got me paralyzed. Most of the idea are too big to execute, and others are too simple and deleted before I even write it. I constantly change the topic because either I feel I don’t understand the topic enough and too lazy to read or I got frustated because I keep using the same phrases, words, etc.
There’s a time when I want to write about Ahok quoting Al Maidah, I didn’t think the topic is deep enough for me to write. When I wanted to dig deeper, like to link it with Indonesian early religion education, the topic got too deep. So the draft went to recycle bin. When I want to write about “Habits to kickstart your morning!”, yes it’s catchy and maybe fun to write, but I couldn’t find something new in my morning habit that haven’t written anywhere else.
There’s an urge to top my former self. An expectation of getting better day by day. It’s frustrating to have a high standard but mediocre skill. I think I can do what other people do but get frustrated because I overestimate my own abilities.
And instead of writing something good, I come up with this rant.
I’m trying to untangle my mind. Using writing, as I started it months ago, as a meditative activity. I want to claim this small piece of internet again, as a place to contemplate. A place to write whatever I want. A place of me and less you.